


i'm bad behavior but i do it in the best way

by capra



Series: live with me forever (just not for long) [2]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: 2017 Rostelecom Cup but not the YOI one, Chenyu - Freeform, Explicit Consent, First Kiss, M/M, Marathon Sex, Rivals to Lovers, banter and trash talk in bed is totally their speed, definitely no Feels involved, hookup, idiots to lovers, lets be real theyd compete about EVERYTHING, power play sex, rivals to lovers to friends to lovers, the IRL one, this is totally just sex, yeah okay sure boys (you're so screwed), zuzuthan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-17 12:21:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29592729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/capra/pseuds/capra
Summary: Yuzu has come to a stop in the hallway, staring at the carpet beneath his shoes without seeing it, gripping tight to his convictions and finally, finally beginning to feel some calm, some sense of clarity about the situation. He has to own this mistake if he's going to change it. That's all.He can do this.Feeling considerably less bleak, if not any less frustrated, Yuzu looks up and takes stock of his surroundings so he can begin to find his way back. He's stopped in front of a hotel door not his own, on a floor not his own. And when he looks at the number - really looks at it - he wonders, really, how very 'over it' he is. Or isn't.Because this is Nathan Chen's room.OR:Yuzuru Hanyu loses his second gold to Nathan Chen at Rostelecom 2017, and finds himself, again, seeking a private rematch.Except this time, it gets away from both of them.
Relationships: Nathan Chen/Yuzuru Hanyu
Series: live with me forever (just not for long) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1310987
Comments: 3
Kudos: 22





	i'm bad behavior but i do it in the best way

**Author's Note:**

> Okay. So. This fic has been in the works since November 2019. It is the reason you've barely seen me in this fandom/this ship - I've been wrestling this monster. But I finally have it done, and am *so proud* to show it to you all.
> 
> In the _live with me forever (but not for long)_ fic series universe, this is the _second_ fic in chronological sequence. It happens after their first encounter at 4CC 2017. Their second encounter happened at Helsinki 2017, which is referred to/explained in this fic.
> 
> Our **[live with me forever (but not for long)](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1310987)** series includes:
> 
> February 2017 - [too hard to breathe, too high to fall](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18834355)
> 
> October 2017 - [i'm bad behavior but i do it in the best way (this fic)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29592729/)
> 
> November 2018 - [there's no stopping this (there's no stopping us)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18196145)
> 
> May 2019 - [we are what we are (but we don't have to be)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18732613)
> 
> August 2019 - [the only thing that's ever stopping me is me (hey!)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21712843)
> 
> September 14 2019 - [write our names in the wet concrete](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21712330)
> 
> September 20 2019 - [i try to picture me without you but i can't](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21713752/chapters/51794281)
> 
> *
> 
> As always, this fic is based on personal interpretation of cherry-picked details pulled from the publicly available personas of real people whose lives are, i am certain, nothing at all like portrayed in this work. in other words: it's complete fiction.
> 
> Thank you to my team of extremely patient and attentive betas: most of all, setoso and G. Also thank you to lesnek and cake for your support and cheerleading, and to all of KSSC.
> 
> *

###  **i'm bad behavior but i do it in the best way**

**October 2017** **Moscow**

☄

This year was going to be different. This year was going to be a sweep. This year was going to be all gold, paving the way for Pyeongchang. First pancake, then gold.

That was the plan.

God damn it. God  _ damn  _ him.

God damn his sal, god damn every single point that he didn't get that he needed. He knew he had to be careful this time. He always has to be, obviously. But -

God damn that lutz.

Damn it.

☄

This time, Yuzu has a harder time slipping his entourage than he did at 4CC in Gangneung, but he manages it. They mean well but the fans have all gone, they're in the skaters' hotel, and it's perfectly safe for Yuzu to just take a damn walk down the hotel corridors and pretend they're breezy outdoor paths; let his vision go unfocused to make all the wall sconces turn into blurry points as they disappear into the distance down the hallway, and pretend they're the stars. To pretend he can have the space to breathe and think, the space to go back to being one small star in the cosmos, small and calm with both his feet solidly on the ground.

Can he not have at least this much?

He manages it. And once he has, he puts his earphones on, pulls up the hood of a baggy sweatshirt jacket he borrowed off of Ghislain, shoves his hands in his pockets, and starts walking. He wants to practice, but it's the middle of the night and there's no ice. He wants to train, but he can't just throw in an unplanned workout session in a fit of pique, especially not unsupervised. There's no room for that kind of freewheeling if he's going to be in prime condition, if he's going to be as ready as it's possible to be - not for him to be, but possible  _ at all. _ He'll do it.

So he can't even go for a damn run in the gym. The hallways are his only friend tonight, and even with one of his favorite themes repeating on loop in his ears, he still can't shake the black frustration that grips him. He's better than this! He's stronger than this. But that's not really the problem. Raw strength will only take him so far. His mentality wasn't strong enough, obviously. The jump got away from him. He's done it thousands of times flawlessly, and yes, sure, there's variables in every competition, each rink and each day is different, yes. He knows that.

He still should have been more careful. He gave this medal  _ away _ . He can't afford to make mistakes like that. He's got to be better.

Yuzu has come to a stop in the hallway, staring at the carpet beneath his shoes without seeing it, gripping tight to his convictions and finally, finally beginning to feel some calm, some sense of clarity about the situation. He has to own this mistake if he's going to change it. That's all.

He can do this.

Feeling considerably less bleak, if not any less frustrated, Yuzu looks up and takes stock of his surroundings so he can begin to find his way back. He's stopped in front of a hotel door not his own, on a floor not his own. And when he looks at the number - really looks at it - he wonders, really, how very 'over it' he is. Or isn't.

Because this is Nathan Chen's room.

And rather than cross-examining himself on why he knows that, why he took special note of that fact when he had the opportunity to overhear it, he balls his hand into a fist and knocks.

☄

Nathan wasn't asleep - but he was nearly ready for it. In worn sweatpants, loose socks, and a big hoodie over an old tee shirt, contacts out and glasses on, he almost drops his toothbrush when the door bangs like a battering ram hit it.

_ Okay, that's more than a little bit of an exaggeration. _

He twists to call over his shoulder, aiming his voice toward the door. "Gimme a minute!" Spit, rinse, rinse again. Nathan turns off the tap, sets his toothbrush down to dry, and snaps the bathroom light off as he leaves. When he opens the door, he forgets to unbolt it first, so the door swings open six inches and then stops, very abruptly, held by the brass hasp. "Uh, hold on," Nathan says, pushing the door closed again, so he can unlatch the hasp and open it fully. And in the two seconds of reaction time this affords him, he can try to process what he saw through that six inch gap.

Yuzuru Hanyu, looking maybe as close to an axe murderer as it's possible for him to get. Which, given that glare of his - yeah, it's really not a stretch.

_ Honestly, you should have known _ , says the snarky voice in the back of his head, the one that's always waiting for him to be awkward as fuck and mess everything up. It gets its wish more often than most people would expect from a 'graceful athlete' like himself.

_ Not tonight,  _ Nathan decides, and pulls the door open.  _ Tonight's the tiebreaker. _

☄

The jolt of the door hitting its bolt startled them both, but Yuzu knows he concealed it better on his part. It's not a fair competition, really, because honestly no one is better than Yuzu at holding a poker face. It's the only way he's survived the media circus around him for this long.

The door closes, and cracks open again. Yuzu advances with it, pushing it open with his left hand and extending his right to Nathan's shoulder, establishing contact before he's even fully into the room. The door thunks shut behind him, and he takes another step forward, left hand on Nathan's waist to steer him backwards to the bed. As soon as he saw Nathan's face it all flared up again: the frustration, the irritation with himself, the  _ fire _ .

But Nathan doesn't back up, and Yuzu's forward stride takes him right into Nathan's chest. Now his hand on Nathan's waist, and Nathan's that has snapped to mirror it on Yuzu's, are helping them to stay standing as they try to occupy the same small halo of space.

☄

Before he got all the way up into Nathan's face, Nathan had taken note of the fact that Yuzu still has both his earphones in. They are, predictably, far too high-quality to let even the littlest bit of sound leak out, even at a distance of less than six inches away; Nathan is nearly nose to nose with Yuzu and yet he can't hear even a whisper of his music, which means Yuzu can't hear Nathan at all. He doesn't seem to care, though; his eyes are unblinking, like coals burning dark, with a depth that feels not merely intense but nearly violent.

It's unsettling. Yuzu is always intense, and Nathan certainly wouldn't claim he's in any way unaffected by or immune to that intensity. Probably no one is, except maybe Javier Fernandez. But he can  _ recognize _ it; it's familiar. This isn't.

Nathan steps back before Yuzu does, half a pace, just far enough to get his balance. He knows doing so is a concession of some sort, but if Yuzu wants to get into some kind of macho dick-measuring contest, Nathan's not interested.

"Not even a hello?"

Yuzu pushes his hood back with both hands. He carefully removes his earphones, one at a time, watching Nathan watch him do it.

"You want to talk, or you want to come?" he asks, crisp.

"Oh, I thought we could do both." Nathan keeps his tone breezy, but his heart's speeding up.

☄

Yuzu steps around Nathan, toeing off his shoes and then walking past him into the room. He sets his earphones, ipod, and keycard on the bureau in front of the television. He glances over at Nathan, looking him over, as he pulls down the zipper on Ghislain's hoodie coat. It's vastly oversized for him, both in width and length, and Yuzu had asked to borrow it because it materially changes the shape of his silhouette, and gives him half a chance of avoiding recognition at distance. He drapes the bulky thing over the back of a chair and turns to face Nathan fully.

"Congratulations on your win," he says, putting as much earnesty into it as he can. He genuinely means it, but there's a thicket of personal resentment in the way, and Yuzu has always thought that a congratulations coming from the silver will inevitably ring a little hollow, unless you're friends. Still, he means it, and he showed up with a fearsome glare, and he's not being a very good version of himself right now. He should make more of an effort. Things were testy at 4CC, but not openly hostile. And Helsinki was a whole different beast of its own, unnervingly gentle.

"You skated well." Yuzu bobs his head, hoping to underline his intention, even if his tone isn't quite there yet.

Nathan just peers at him suspiciously. "You didn't come down here at midnight just to tell me that. Ask whatever creepy security guy who got you my room number for my phone number too, and just text me next time."

It's out of his mouth before he can think better of it. And had he had the time, Yuzu's still not sure he would have. "There won't be a next time."

Nathan crosses slowly toward Yuzu, assessing him. There's something pressed behind the line of Yuzu’s mouth, something under high pressure. But his hands are still on the waistband of his sweatpants. Nathan can’t parse the overall message. Does Yuzu even want to be here?   
  
"What do you mean?"

Yuzu scowls. "I'm not going to lose to you again," he says. Nathan's eyes flash wider for a split second, and the set of his shoulders shifts, shedding some of his tension, as he realizes where he’d misunderstood.

" _ Oh.  _ That,” he says, somewhat relieved. “Honestly, I still kinda have a hard time believing you have at all." 

Nathan shrugs, tucking his hands in his pockets. There's a tension simmering between them, and while it's undoubtedly intense, suggestive, it's not explicitly sexual - yet. Nathan had every intention to make it that way, and he knows that Yuzu likes what he has to offer. But this thorny mess in front of him is only vaguely attractive right now, and that mostly in the same way that sharp knives and flames are appealing even though you know better.

"You will not have to get used to it," Yuzu says primly. "I won't make this mistake again."

"Mistake?" That choice of wording certainly struck a nerve, but Nathan keeps his voice calm, non-confrontationally light. It's late, they're both tired, English is Yuzu's second language. No need to get twisted. 

"Yes, mistake," Yuzu repeats, with a flicker of irritation. He shifts his weight to one hip, insouciantly confident, and cocks an eyebrow in challenge, as if he's quite confident that Nathan did not mishear him. "I skated poorly, didn't keep the gold. To keep it from you I needed perfect, but skate was not perfect."

"Keep." Nathan's shoulders draw tight. "You would  _ keep _ the gold?  _ Keep _ means it was yours to start with." He's spending precious patience here, trying to explain to Yuzu exactly what he is implying. What certainly he can't intend to be implying. Right?

But Yuzu doesn't need anyone's help deciding what he wants to say, in English or otherwise.

"Yes, and I lost it."

Oh.  _ Well  _ then.

Nathan isn't sure how he could be expected to take a hit like that and act like it doesn't burn, like this is just banter. Like it's merely the most refined trash talk session Nathan's ever been a part of. It's not. Not  _ only _ that, at least. It hasn't been only that since Yuzu came in the door tonight. Since Yuzu came in the door at 4CC. Since Yuzu made their competition  _ personal _ in a way Nathan had never, ever expected. Had never thought to dream of, much less dared to.   
  
But he did, and Nathan took the invitation like he does every opportunity he wants: all-in.   
  
Seems like he was the only one.

Nathan looks at Yuzu, jaw winding tight, and sees that the spell is broken. He's no enticingly gleaming bright blade or enchantingly flickering flame any longer. He's a cheap $1 BiC lighter, a plain old pocket knife. Boring, everyday, common. He's a thorny, tangled mess of hurt feelings and unexamined entitlement, and it isn't Nathan's job to help him sort out his issues.

It's definitely not his job to stand here, getting insulted to his face in his own hotel room at worse than midnight, and just  _ take it _ .

Nathan crosses in front of Yuzu, walking past him to the room's door. He pulls the handle and swings the door open, blocking it with his foot. "Goodnight, Yuzu." 

Yuzu looks from the open doorway to Nathan's face. Nathan crosses his arms over his chest. Yuzu takes two steps toward Nathan, then hesitates. He's in full view of anyone who might walk past. He looks to Nathan again; Nathan just lifts one brow.

"I'd like you to leave now."

"Why is that," Yuzu asks, quickly crossing the distance between himself and the door. He grips the edge of it and tugs. Nathan's foot holds it firm. "You don't want to talk?"

"Not the way you are talking," Nathan says. His words are all clipped short and full of sharp irritation, very different from his normal, smoothly rolling diction, and he knows his anger is obvious. "It's late. I would like to sleep."

"I don't," Yuzu says, and wrenches the door free of Nathan's hold. It scrapes past his foot and swings closed with a thunk. Yuzu throws the latch, holding Nathan's gaze. 

"What, you're locking me in my own hotel room?" Nathan scoffs, because honestly, he can't think of anything else to do. This is absurd - Yuzu's attitude, his obstinance, his sheer brazen ballsiness. His molten gaze, something caught between fury and passion, that's still fixed on Nathan.

Yuzu steps closer to Nathan, but Nathan's done with this. If he has to have Yuzu removed by force he will, but he'd prefer to just get Yuzu to leave on his own. If he ignores him, that should do the trick. He rolls his eyes away from that hot gaze, pushing past Yuzu; he'll go sit on his bed and watch TV until Yuzu gives up and leaves.

But the next thing he knows, his back is hitting the wall, and both of Yuzu's hands are fisted in his hoodie, holding him there. 

There's a single second in which they're both fully still, staring in each other's eyes. Yuzu draws one breath; Nathan's forgotten to. Then everything blurs again, and when it resolves, half a second later, they're still nose to nose, gazes locked, but Yuzu's hands are hovering at his sides, empty, and Nathan's are knotted in his shirt. Yuzu's back is against the wall, Nathan's isn't, and Nathan realizes he's just flipped them - he's just slammed Yuzuru Hanyu into a wall - at about the same time as Yuzu's gaze goes from intense command to intense, shocked arousal. Nathan watches his eyes dilate, watches the  _ holy shit _ turn into  _ holy shit yes _ , and a thrill runs through him like none he's ever felt before.

They stay there, frozen, for another second, then two more, and Nathan thinks,  _ I bet this is what people mean when they talk about eyefucking _ . Then Yuzu's arm snaps up, breaking out of Nathan's hold on his shirt. Nathan has just enough time to wonder if Yuzu means to grapple him, if they're just going to keep pinning each other to this wall until one of them comes simply from the tension of it; then Yuzu's hand is in his hair, closing into a fist in the thick of his curls, and  _ shoves  _ downward. Nathan hits his knees so hard he bites his tongue, but that also stops him from crowing with victorious laughter. 

_ Is THAT how it's gonna be? _ Nathan shoves his face into Yuzu's crotch, grinding the bridge of his nose up the heated rail of Yuzu's hard cock, and lets his laughter rumble low in his throat. He unwraps Yuzu briskly, shoving his joggers and underwear down, and wraps his lips around the head of his cock with hungry delight. Above him, Yuzu hisses air through his teeth. His hand tightens in Nathan's hair, a beautiful ache. 

_ Asshole, _ Nathan thinks.  _ But god, you're hot. _

  
☄   
  


Nathan has given Yuzu exactly one blowjob before tonight: in Helsinki. Yuzu’d started this secret exchange by accident when he took his consolation prize from Nathan in Gangneung, after Nathan took gold at Four Continents. So, Nathan returned the favor - with considerably less aggression, and more awe and hesitation, at Worlds in Helsinki, after Yuzu laid down  _ that _ free skate. Nathan wasn’t in his best form that day, so the gold Yuzu earned was never within Nathan’s grip to start with, not from the first mistake of his free. But that feat - that  _ score  _ \- well, it deserved acknowledgement. Recognition, of some sort. And, the last time they’d faced each other, Yuzu had opened the door, right? Set a precedent. So that night, Nathan had found himself in Yuzu’s hotel room, at Yuzu’s feet, learning the ropes on the fly. He’d offered, and even though he tried not to be, he was still secretly surprised that Yuzu had actually accepted.

Afterward, they were quiet, and almost gentle: Nathan rested his cheek against Yuzu’s thigh, trembling on the edge of his own climax, for just a moment. Once Yuzu’s breath had settled back down, and Nathan had calmed himself down enough that he could walk, there wasn’t anything further needed. Nathan just licked his lips clean, congratulated Yuzu one more time, and left. He’d rinsed out his mouth once he was back in his own hotel room, staring into the mirror with a double helping of  _ what the fuck, the sequel _ ringing in his head. But one thing he was pretty sure of - it actually wasn’t a great suck. He had a lot of room for improvement.    
  
Giving any less than the best possible performance has never been enough for Nathan. Especially when his competition is...so very extraordinary.  _ Inspiring. _ Fortunately, there was a whole long summer of free time stretching out in front of him and an internet full of resources. It was embarrassing, at first, but he had a goal, dammit, and he was determined to succeed. He’s never been content to settle for mediocrity. He intends to impress, every time he steps out on the ice. Every time he competes in any manner. And it  _ was _ a competition, Nathan encouraged himself, pushing aside the excited flutter that started up in his stomach any time he thought too hard about  _ why _ he’d set himself a deadline at the end of the summer.  _ Why _ he was practicing this skill at all.   
  
He made good use of his time.   
  
☄

  
Now, Yuzu’s fist, knotted into Nathan’s hair, twitches reflexively as Nathan hums around a deep mouthful of cock, eyes closed and lips wrapped tight around. Pitching the sound deep in the back of his throat, Nathan hums again, and his nerves light up from scalp to toes as Yuzu yanks his hair again.   
  
Yuzu mutters something under his breath, short and in Japanese. Definitely an obscenity. Nathan glances up, pulling off the head, and watches Yuzu’s throat bobbing, high above the rise and fall of his narrow chest. The nape of Nathan’s neck is flushed with sweat, and the dim room seems brighter than before as his pupils blow wide, taking in every detail of Yuzu’s body, every little tremor of his belly. He skates his hands, palms spread flat, up Yuzu’s thighs, contouring them to fit the thick slopes of muscle there, and Yuzu clenches, hips rocking forward, ass tipping against Nathan’s hands. Nathan drops his jaw, opening as best as he can, but he still gags a little, and Yuzu pulls him back, looking down with a dizzy sort of concern.   
  
“Too much?” he asks. Nathan snorts.   
  
“Hardly.” He exhales, pressing his lips against the side of Yuzu’s length, and leaves it at that. Yuzu might be waiting for a further answer, more explanation or another challenge, but Nathan remains quiet, working him over studiously. Slowly, Yuzu’s hand in his hair relaxes its grip. His thumb is rubbing small little tender arcs into Nathan’s scalp. Nathan wonders if Yuzu’s realized. 

He doesn’t seem to have.

☄

Yuzu’s  quaking, and his fist skids out of Nathan’s hair to his shoulder, where he grabs on, rough, and tugs. Nathan pops off Yuzu’s cock with a confused noise, then an irritated noise; he _knows_ Yuzu’s close, he can taste it. Yuzu hauls in a deep breath and hauls Nathan to his feet. Lips reddened and slicked, not a bit short of breath, Nathan watches Yuzu breathe. His grip on Nathan’s collarbone softens, and his thumb rubs up the ridge to the base of Nathan’s neck.

“Change your mind?” Nathan teases, reaching forward to drag his knuckles along the ridge of Yuzu’s jawline, back to his ear. His hand opens out, carding into Yuzu’s hair, and skids down, heading for Yuzu’s nape in a mirror of the grip Yuzu’s got on his. As soon as Yuzu understands the gesture, though, his free hand comes up between them, getting under Nathan’s extended arm and knocking it away. Yuzu steps to the side, getting his back off the wall, blinking the hazed arousal out of his eyes and tucking himself away again.

“No,” Yuzu says, stepping forward to put them chest to chest, standing free of the wall. There’s not enough room to balance, shoved up in each other’s personal space like this, and Yuzu again grabs Nathan’s waist to keep them both steady. “Not gonna let you run the whole show.”   
  
“Was I doing such a bad job?” Nathan asks, arch. He knows he wasn’t, and the heated proof of that is pressed between Nathan’s hip and Yuzu’s. “Or didn’t you want to go off too early?”   
  
“You are different this time,” Yuzu remarks, blinking in genuine surprise. Nathan can't blame him. The Nathan of Yuzu's memories - Helsinki, and before that, Four Continents - was quiet, almost shy. Stunned, and starstruck. Now Nathan's more brash, more blunt; he’s cracking jokes not caring if he dents Yuzu’s ego with them,  _ expecting _ Yuzu to either roll with it or snap back.    
  
“You’ve leveled up.”

Nathan’s arched brow summarises his thoughts on that. “I don’t game.”

“You’d be good,” Yuzu says, before he visibly remembers he’s supposed to be having a fight, not a conversation. Nathan leans in, gripping the peak of Yuzu’s hip tight, and slings his other arm around Yuzu’s shoulders, elbow hooked behind his neck, to tow him in closer.

Yuzu tips his head away, ducking under the line of Nathan’s jaw, and bites at his ear, making him hiss. Yuzu’s not about to just stay put, obviously, so he reaches past Nathan’s open fly to feel out and grab Nathan’s bulge.

It takes a second - Nathan’s pajama shorts are loose, and he’s not pinned up against his own belly like Yuzu is. Yuzu reaches, nipping at the column of Nathan’s neck and smiling as that little scrape sets Nathan sighing, and cups his hand under, all the way around. The sigh turns into a hiss, sharp and hungry, and Nathan lifts his head from Yuzu’s shoulder to find his gaze and challenge it. Nathan’s is dark and bright, and not quite as sharp as the one he wears on the ice - but it’s getting there.   
  
“I was thinking you are not interested,” Yuzu quips, dry, fully expecting the eyeroll Nathan gives in answer. He shows his teeth in his smile, expecting either that, or the taunt, will further rile Nathan up, and it looks like he’s right: Nathan cants his hips forward, pressing his cock into Yuzu’s palm and using his thigh to drag friction along Yuzu’s. Nathan’s shin smacks into Yuzu’s when they both try to adjust their stance to keep from toppling over.

“Bed,” Nathan says, because at this point it’s simply a practicality. There isn’t enough room for them both to balance here, tangled up in each other, and he’s not about to brain himself on a hotel room television because he got distracted making out with his rival.

“No,” Yuzu says. His hand moves from Nathan’s shoulder back up into his hair, nails raking hard, and closes into a fist. “Or, you can’t handle it?”

His  _ asshole _ rival, Nathan mentally amends, as Yuzu shoves his slim, chilly hand down Nathan’s pants. “Shit,” as Yuzu’s alarmingly cold fingers curl around his cock, and  _ “shit,” _ when he starts to slowly stroke. Yuzu swipes the heel of his hand down the whole length, spreading out the pre pearling thick at Nathan’s head, glancing down now and then to peek in the space between elastic waistband and Nathan’s belly and, what, check on what or where he’s putting his hand?  _ You’d think he knows what to do, given he’s got the same equipment-- _

The thought sputters out as Yuzu finds a rhythm he likes, and Nathan’s cock decides it really likes that rhythm. His thighs are aching, balance challenged with each stroke as Yuzu refuses to step back, to put even half a pace of space between them so they can stand. No, they’re right up inside each other’s space, so much so that as Yuzu’s holding Nathan by the hair, he’s tilting his head back and away to put enough space between their noses to look at him clearly.

And looking, he certainly is. Yuzu’s got the rhythm of it by now, so he’s not looking away anymore; he’s just holding Nathan’s gaze and a fistful of his hair, stroking his cock with the kind of single-minded determination that stands on the razor’s edge between unsettling and entrancing. Nathan’s body is the one pushing soft gasping moans up from his diaphragm with every inward breath, thighs trembling. It’s  _ his  _ brain that’s lighting up with pleasure from every firm stroke. But he’s still got the distinct impression that Yuzu’s jerking him off for  _ Yuzu’s _ sake. 

It’s hard to care  _ too  _ much, because Yuzu’s gaze looks carnivorous, wild; like something that can eat Nathan whole and have fun doing it. Nathan can’t lie - the predatory dominance thing is really working for him - but it’s maybe working too well. He’s pinned like a butterfly on a specimen board by the vise grip of Yuzu’s fingers woven into his curls and the satin-hard slick of Yuzu’s palm up and down his shaft. Between those two points of suspension, he’s ended up draped passively in Yuzu’s arms like he’s here just to accept the pleasure Yuzu doles out.

Hell no.

Nathan’s elbow is hooked around the back of Yuzu’s neck, and he uses that leverage to tow himself closer, easing the tension on his hair. With that relief comes a hot wash of tingles all across his scalp, and for half a second he misses the electric pain of having it all yanked. He’s closed in for a purpose though, and he sets himself to it, nipping and licking at Yuzu’s earlobe and the long alabaster column of his neck, suckling til he feels Yuzu’s cock jumping between their bodies. Yuzu’s breath comes sharper and rougher as Nathan worries at his skin, stroking his lips down the steep slope of Yuzu’s jugular, and eventually, he shoves Nathan back from him, waistband snapping low across his belly as Yuzu’s hand yanks free.

Yuzu rakes his hair out of his eyes with a rough, angry huff, and crosses to one of the two beds in the room, the one that’s not been used. Throwing the quilted coverlet down to the floor between the beds, he turns halfway back, looking at Nathan over his shoulder with a gaze that could melt iron.

"Oh,  _ now _ bed?" Nathan laughs. Yuzu's nose crinkles up and his brow comes down. He's not pleased with being laughed at, which is exactly why Nathan laughed at him. Nathan prowls closer, sinuous, until he's a close enough threat that Yuzu turns, facing him, putting his back to the bed, instead of toward Nathan.

"I don't trust your balance," Yuzu sniffs. "You look ready to fall."

"Then sit," Nathan says, "And I'll follow you down."

"You follow me a lot," Yuzu comments, sinking down to sit primly on the edge of the bed. Knees spread, he looks up at Nathan, blatantly expectant, and extends one hand. Not knowing what to expect, Nathan takes it; Yuzu grips his hand tight and tugs, drawing Nathan in and down. Yuzu lays back onto his elbows as Nathan stops, standing between his thighs, to just  _ look _ at him. His gaze rakes over Yuzu's body in a wave, dragging a physical heat in its wake. Yuzu's cock is a proud, twitching tent between his thighs. His mouth is far drier than he's comfortable with it being.

Finding himself between Yuzu's thighs for the second time in one night, Nathan sinks down to one knee, cupping the palm of his right hand over Yuzu's cock. The heat of it, even through two layers of fabric, has Nathan  _ wanting _ again, and he looks up Yuzu's belly, up to find his gaze, looking for permission. He thinks he sees it, in the impatient spark in Yuzu's black, black eyes, so Nathan cups his hands around Yuzu's hips, fingertips curled down, under his ass.

"Up," he says, and Yuzu lifts his butt half an inch off the bed, just barely far enough for Nathan to tug down his joggers and underwear. Of course he's not going to make this easy, Nathan thinks, irritated, but his thoughts get more than a little sidetracked when the fabric slides all the way down to Yuzu's knees, and suddenly those  _ thighs  _ are right in front of him, muscle and tendon corded tight as they flex. Nathan isn't sure if he simply didn't pay enough attention at Helsinki because he was so nervous, or if Yuzu's significantly bulked up since last spring, but god  _ damn. _ Nathan doesn't just want, he  _ needs _ . He leans in, nipping the inner slope of Yuzu's thigh.

Yuzu's belly is tight, and above it all, his expression is cool, almost unruffled, and that's got to be deliberate. Nathan isn't going to be fooled by that, though; Yuzu's cock is thick, laying in the crease of his hip, and his belly flutters, ever so slightly, when Nathan closes his lips against the middle of his shaft, a gently warm and sucking kiss. "You going to let me finish this time?" Nathan says, voice dark. One hand curls under Yuzu's balls and the other, resting on his hip, strokes back and forth with an almost delicate softness.

Nathan knows Yuzu knows that delicacy isn't to be trusted; and Yuzu knows that Nathan knows. He can feel the focus in Nathan, the tension coiled; he's waiting for Yuzu to make a move, to crack, and Yuzu is waiting for the same from him. There's nothing gentle about either of them tonight, which makes sense, because there was nothing gentle about this competition. Yuzu's still mad, he knows he is, even as he knows he shouldn't be, and even if Nathan wasn't irritated earlier, he certainly is now. Which, honestly, is exactly as Yuzu wants it.

"You should make it worth waiting through," Yuzu quips, fingers digging into the mattress in an effort to hold himself still. In an effort not to grab Nathan's hair and tow him around by it.

"You should lay back and just let yourself enjoy," Nathan shoots back, and the delicate grip he has on Yuzu's hip is abruptly no longer delicate, no longer gentle. His fingertips dig in, fingernails flashing white, and Yuzu hisses and tries to pry Nathan's hand away. This gives him something to do with his hand, to keep it busy, something more compelling than the edge of a hotel mattress that's soft in all the wrong places.

"I have higher standards than to just enjoy anything I am served," Yuzu says. He's trying to get under Nathan's skin, trying to make him snap, make him be the first to fold. And it's so transparent, it's so obvious, and Nathan's falling for it anyway.

"Wow. Not sure if you're trying to make me want to bite your dick off, but I'm definitely thinking about it, now," Nathan snaps, and all plans to tease and finesse Yuzu have gone out the window. Nathan is going to  _ ruin  _ him, or wreck himself trying. He takes Yuzu in his mouth, confident and rough, sucking too hard, enough to make Yuzu wince. But instead of pushing Nathan off, he just tsks, a sharp judging noise pushed through his teeth, and threads his hand into Nathan's hair.

_ Finally, _ Nathan thinks.

"You do not want to finish yourself before you finish me," Yuzu says, his arch tone of voice making it a question, the kind that is already judging you for the answer. " _ You _ like deep, not me."

Nathan pulls off, licking his lips. The sharp points of his canines - sharper than most, and Nathan sees Yuzu take note of them now - are a bright white against the red of his lips.

"Oh yes, that hand job was completely selfless," he snarks, all sarcasm, and dives back on.

Yuzu makes a little irritated snort. "Hn." It's not much, but it's an admission. Nathan's got him there.

For the next minute or two, it's quiet. Yuzu, lips pressed together, lets his hand ride gently in Nathan's hair as Nathan's mouth bobs on his cock, wet and hungry. Nathan drinks it in, proud of himself for putting in the practice, for pushing through the embarrassment of ordering a dildo online to practice on because he's Nathan freaking Chen, and Nathan freaking Chen does not do random hookups. For so many reasons. So he learned on silicon, motivated by memories of Helsinki - both the mistakes and the few flashes of insight, of knowledge gleaned.

Practicing makes sense to him; it removes his nervousness, takes away his jitters. It lets him step back from consciousness, from moment-to-moment alertness, into something deeper than that, smoother. Easier. He knows he's learned how to do the task, whether it's a quad Lutz or pressing his tongue down, resisting the reflex to press up in the back, to shove out the big thing in his mouth that his animal brain insists could choke him. The reward is the  _ crack-hiss _ of a properly landed edge; the  _ gasp-hiss _ of Yuzu's breath as he inhales, startled, cockhead in the back of Nathan's mouth, right at the top of his throat. Nathan hums around him, happy, and Yuzu fists his handful of Nathan's hair and yanks down. Toward himself. Holding Nathan there, holding him still, as Yuzu's thighs begin to quiver, as his calves tremble against Nathan's sides.

The moment stretches, until Yuzu's grip releases a moment before Nathan was about to smack his thigh to get him to let him up for air. They ricochet away from each other, Nathan rocking back onto his heels and then onto the floor on his ass. Yuzu closes his thighs, shielding the red, red cock twitching violently against his belly. His jaw is tensed, hands gripping the mattress, and he exhales, maintaining control. Moving himself back from that edge by sheer will.

It's so fucking hot that Nathan could scream.

"Choosing your moment?" Nathan asks, voice already husked from his efforts. Yuzu cracks one eye open and looks down at Nathan suspiciously, expecting mockery, but Nathan's truly just asking. One hand palming his own cock over his pants, he just looks Yuzu up and down, taking the privilege he's being given to be here, to see this, and savoring it.   
  
Yuzu seems to understand that, because something about his posture shifts. Not all at once, but slowly, over a few long moments, while Nathan grabs at his own cock and Yuzu watches him do it. The angles of his shoulders soften; the tension in his neck eases, just a bit. Something shifts in his gaze, a soft emotion that shades gradually into his expression like a sunbeam slowly spreading as the angle of the light shifts, aligns with the window it’s coming through.   
  
Nathan’s stomach flips over, and a few butterflies, startled by the sudden lurch, flutter softly around in there. He swallows, chest feeling a little tight, because he’s already noticed how hot Yuzu is, several times over, but he’s  _ beautiful _ suddenly, and it makes Nathan impulsive.

"If you want to stay for more than one, you could just ask, you know," he offers. Playful. Curious. Maybe...maybe even hopeful.

Something in Yuzu's eyes shutters closed; the sunbeam snaps closed, into hard defensive darkness, and Nathan clenches his jaw in frustration as he realizes what's happening. The moment that was growing between them is gone, just that quickly, just because Nathan - what? Challenged him? Talked to him?

"Yo, what did I say?" he asks, pushing himself up to his knees, butt resting on his heels. Yuzu's trying to make his face stone, trying to find the aloof untouchableness that he had earlier, that he has so much of the time in public, but Nathan has seen behind the curtain now, so it doesn't fool him.

Not that it did much to begin with. Before he idolized Yuzuru Hanyu, Nathan  _ knew of _ him. And as a child, knowing  _ of _ Yuzuru, Nathan knew somewhere in himself that Yuzuru Hanyu was just a human being. If he wasn't, how could Nathan plan to catch him? So he couldn't be a god, because then Nathan's daydreams were impossible from the start.

Years on, and Nathan understands better than anyone how right he'd been, in his childish innocence, before teenage idolatry blurred all the lines for a few years, before the limitlessness of childish daydreams faded and the practical, pragmatic world taught him to cut his ambitions down to size.

Not only was there never a Wizard in Oz, but now Nathan himself lives within his own curtain, too. Two non-wizards, in two non-Ozs.    
  
(Or maybe Oz, and like, a smaller, less impressive suburb  _ of _ Oz, one that’s  _ gonna _ be just as big and great but hasn’t quite gotten there yet.   
  
This metaphor’s gotten away from him.)

"Yuzu, talk to me," Nathan says. He stands, moving to sit on the bed - but Yuzu's aura is too prickly, so Nathan sits on the bed across from him, opposite. Yuzu seems torn between redressing himself and refusing to acknowledge that there's anything vulnerable about sitting there with his cock out as the mood between them cools.

"You okay?"

Yuzu frowns. "Okay?"

Nathan nods. "I'm checking in. You made a - a face," Nathan says, trying to mimic the cold slam of the emotional wall that went down in Yuzu's eyes. "I wasn't sure if you were having fun anymore. I'm not going to keep going if you aren't having fun too."

"I came here to get off," Yuzu says, sullen, finally giving in and pulling his clothes back up, covering himself. "Not talk."

"I thought we could do both," Nathan says, and the echo of their opening repartee, nearly the first things they said to each other tonight, makes him smile. Yuzu flinches away from it and the gulf between them grows.

"What if I do not want to."

"Then - I dunno," Nathan says. "I mean, I can't be into it if I'm not sure you are. Just because we're - well, I mean, we're like this," he says, waving a hand at the hotel room, trying to encompass the struggle, the balance, the push and pull of dominance between them. "But that's because we both - well, I want that. You want that too, right?"

"Why would I not?" Yuzu looks offended now, sounds offended. "It feels good. It's - releases frustration."

Nathan is certain his own expression is a pretty spectacular contrast to Yuzu's deadpan ambivalence right now.

"Rubbing one out does that," he says, and hits  _ Mute  _ on the part of his brain that's not only screeching that he just said ‘rubbing one out’ to Yuzuru Hanyu, but also that he's somehow  _ not  _ freaking out that  _ he just said rubbing one out to Yuzuru Hanyu _ . There's a liminal space within this room, an unreality that's got them both held in the bubble of its existence. It could pop at any time. But until it does, the rules are different in here. What Nathan can dare to do - what he can dare to get away with - is different here. Boiling alive in his embarrassment when he remembers all this tomorrow? Eh, that's Tomorrow Nathan's problem.

"I mean, getting off is - that’s kinda entirely what it’s  _ for _ . If you just want to let off some steam then you could do that on your own. I assumed you were here because you wanted, you know, me."

"I wanted to win," Yuzu says, "And I did not. And we have a - ritual."

"Routine?" Nathan suggests, and Yuzu scowls. Nathan puts his hands up, pacifying. "Sorry. Ritual."

"Yes,  _ ritual _ ," Yuzu says. "I lose - I have a different prize - I win next time. It is balanced."

"Wait." Nathan rakes one hand through his hair. "The hell? You think this is some kind of - of - luck spell? Karma or something?"

"That is not how karma works," Yuzu inserts, and Nathan growls his frustration. He really doesn't care.

"Shut up," Nathan says, as the kindling of hurt, which earlier had sparked but gone out, now flares up into blazing anger around the edges of his heart. "Are you actually telling me you are here just to - to what, to get the gold back?"

"It's mine," Yuzu says.

Nathan snaps.

"Are you serious? Are you actually serious right now, Yuzu? Because I am. I am here, I worked my ass off, I earned that gold. You fucked up, I didn't. Last time--” Nathan stops himself, heaving a deep breath, and forces himself to slow down. To enunciate his words apart from each other, make them clearer and less slurred together. “Last time, I got, what, fifth? Sixth? Cause I fucked up. That's what happens when you fuck up."

"I don't fuck up," Yuzu says.

"You sure did this time--" Nathan says, but Yuzu cuts him off.

"I mean that  _ I _ am not  _ supposed  _ to fuck up," Yuzu says. He's scarily calm. "It is not allowed."

"Who says?" Nathan asks, even as that statement sinks like lead into the space between them. He thinks he knows the answer, but he's not sure if it would be better or worse if he's right.

"My  _ self _ ," Yuzu says. Nathan nods.

"You skated well this weekend, Yuzu, but...you can't just tell me shit like that." He fiddles with his hair, sighing. "Like, you did it earlier too. That you messed up, it cost you gold. Wasn't yours to begin with. Isn't any of ours."

"I know that," Yuzu snaps, voice icy. "Do not insult me."

"I'm not trying to insult you," Nathan says, but Yuzu cuts him off.

"Telling me things I know like I do not know them. Rude."

"Well it's just as fucking rude to tell me you didn't  _ keep  _ the gold," Nathan shoots back. "You said that."

Yuzu stares at Nathan levelly, and Nathan does his best to stare back. But Yuzu's experience, his age, his sheer gravitas, are pinning Nathan here, in his seat on the edge of this bed, as much as if he's tied in place.

Long moments tick by. One, two. Three.

Nathan exhales. It feels like it's all the air in his body, entirely all of it, and the subsequent inhale leaves him feeling exhausted. The air tastes stale.

"Look. Do you want to keep going? Cause - I do. Despite all-" Nathan waves a hand. "This."

"I do too," Yuzu says. He still sounds confused, but somehow, Nathan has the feeling that it's a different thing confusing him now than it was before. He doesn't know where that feeling is coming from.

"Okay," Nathan says. "I admit, I don't know what to do next. I didn't really plan for this."

"Talking?" Yuzu says, twisting his mouth like he's swallowed a lemon.

"Yeah. Hey, look, this is..." Nathan rubs his face with both hands, though he knows it won't make him any redder than he already is. "I'm not a fan either, okay? But I thought you weren't all in, so yeah, I gotta stop and check. Sorry it's awks, but it's important."   
  
Yuzu frowns, distracted. “Awks?”   
  
“Fuck, sorry,” Nathan says, chagrined. “Awkward. That talking about things like sex and consent and shit is awkward.”

"Why would I not want to?" Yuzu asks again, and Nathan has the distinct feeling that he's walking in circles. They've been here before.

"Cause I've pissed you off?" Nathan tries. "Cause you seem pissed with me in general, and not in the fun way? Cause you're just not in the mood anymore? I can't just  _ not ask _ , Yuzu."

"I lost, and I want to have sex to fix it."

"Holy shit, no," Nathan says. "It is not that simple-- Fuck. Is that actually all you need? This whole--?" He stands up from the bed, pacing away. There's something dismissive, something...impersonal about the way that Yuzu sees all of this, and it's crawling under Nathan's skin, kindling a fire. He's not sure what kind.   
  
This  _ is _ just sex, right? Sex, to challenge each other in private. One on one. Personally.   
  
Oh. That’s what it is.

"You just...just want sex, like, anyone would do? I'm not your revenge fantasy, Yuzu," Nathan snaps, wheeling to face him. "You wanna just have sex to have sex, go find someone else. I thought you were here because I'm  _ me _ . I'm Nathan Chen. Because it’s got to be me, because the medal was me."

"You make me angry," Yuzu says, by way of answer. He stands, turning to face Nathan squarely. "You make me furious." His voice is calm, and somehow, the words don't sound like a threat to Nathan. It just sounds like truth. Like a confession.

There's a light in Yuzu's eyes as he continues. "You make me so mad. I do not know what kind. Mad at myself. Mad at you. Mad at scores. At judges. At boots. But mostly at me. Mad, mad at me."

He steps forward, navigating the uneven, slick surface of the duvet discarded on the floor without slipping. He holds Nathan's gaze in his own. "Mad I am not enough. Mad I am com- compromise? I let myself slip. I have not worked hard enough."

"Yuzu, that's insane," Nathan tries, but Yuzu cuts him off yet again, and Nathan's voice dies in his throat. He doesn't  _ want _ to speak over Yuzu - it's that gravitas again, grinding Nathan to powder just by looking at him too long. He'd thought he was developing a resistance to that, but - no.

"I am not enough, I did not do enough. My goal is missed." This hangs in the air between them; Yuzu stops in front of Nathan, half an arm's length away.    
  
A flicker of doubt goes through Nathan. He’s staring down the barrel of a pain so deep, so absolutist, that he can barely understand it. And for a split second, he regrets throwing the yolo extra quad. He regrets causing this. Then he remembers the way Yuzu looked at him in the greenroom, on the podium, during the ceremony. He remembers the weight of the medal, and the doubt dies. That quad won him  _ everything _ tonight, and Yuzu doesn’t need or want to be coddled. They both know how to survive a silver, or worse.

"So," Yuzu continues. "This is smaller goal. Easier to do. Harder, too. Different kind of challenge. It is distraction. It has to be."

Nathan frowns. "I don't  _ want _ to be your random distraction."

"Not  _ random, _ ” Yuzu emphasizes, impatient. “I do not want sex with ‘Nathan Chen,’" Yuzu says, enunciating every syllable in Nathan's name carefully. He reaches out, taking the collar of Nathan's shirt in his fist, tugging the fabric out of shape. Yet he doesn't pull Nathan himself; just the fabric moves. Yuzu's knuckles faintly brush Nathan's chest.

"I want sex with  _ you _ ."

Nathan stares, certain he's missing something, but completely lost on how to figure out  _ what _ . Yuzu sighs, releasing Nathan’s shirt, and steps away again. He spends a moment tugging his own hair, that little section that tucks forward over his ear. He gathers his thoughts, picks his words carefully, and simply asks:

"Do you want Yuzuru Hanyu? Or do you want  _ me? _ "

It starts to make sense now, when he turns the question back around onto Nathan. Nathan's here because of Yuzu - everything about Yuzu  _ himself _ . He's not here for the legend, not here for an autograph, and  _ definitely  _ not here for the bragging rights. He wants, here, what it feels like to skate against Yuzu - except, he doesn't want exactly that at all. Yuzu is a right bastard on the ice, ruthlessly beautiful, and that's part of what Nathan admires about him, but he doesn't want to see that here. Or does he?

What DOES Nathan want?

He watches Yuzu, rolling his words over in his head, forward and backward, trying to feel out the shape of them. And, abruptly, something clicks.

"I make you furious," Nathan says slowly, repeating Yuzu's words back to him. " **_I_ ** do."

"Yes," Yuzu says, a thin frown forming. He doesn't know if what Nathan's building to is something he wants to see. Nathan doesn't know either, but they won't find out until he tries.

" **_I_ ** make you frustrated. You want me, but you want a challenge."

" _ You  _ are a challenge," Yuzu agrees.

" _ ’Nathan Chen’ _ is  **_a_ ** challenge," Nathan says slowly, vocalizing the air quotes with the tone of his voice, reaching the point of the logic chain he's least confident about. Feeling his way out by gut instinct, not sense. The light in Yuzu's eyes is sparking brighter, fiercer. Is that hope?

"But now you want  _ my _ challenge.  _ This _ challenge."

"Yes," Yuzu breathes, and launches himself across the space between them, catching Nathan by the shoulders. They go down, Nathan onto his back on the mattress, Yuzu above him, eyes wild.

"You  _ want _ to fight," Nathan says, pushing Yuzu back far enough for cool air, for certainty. He holds his gaze, and Yuzu holds Nathan's back. "It's okay if we're mad?"

"Let off steam," Yuzu smiles, nodding firmly, and bites Nathan's lower lip.

Well, alright then.

Nathan rolls them, pinning Yuzu's shoulders to the mattress, the same way he’d slammed his back to the wall at the start of the night. Yuzu's breath goes out of him all at once, carried by a groan of pornographically explicit pleasure. Nathan's toes grip the shitty hotel carpet to keep his footing, and Yuzu's body is bent messily back, hips on the edge of the mattress and legs splayed out long between Nathan's. He brings one knee up between them, pressing his thigh to his own chest and his foot between Nathan's thighs, against his balls. Nathan hisses, not sure if he's about to get kicked or what, but Yuzu apparently just wants to give Nathan friction without letting him near his own cock, because Nathan grinds against the bone Yuzu provides, distantly understanding that it's his goddamn  _ ankle _ , and Yuzu groans into Nathan's ear as Nathan closes his lips around Yuzu’s earlobe, sucking with intent. His grip is rough, too tight where he holds Nathan's shoulder on one side, bicep on the other. He feels like he's about to fray apart.

_ That must be why he's keeping me clear of his cock, _ Nathan understands, and finds himself glad. He doesn't want this to be over yet. Not when they've just started a new page.

But he's not about to make it  _ easy _ for Yuzu, either, not about to disappoint either of them like that, and he pulls back yet again, forcing Yuzu to give him his attention.

"If I let you up, promise not to kick my balls?" he teases, and Yuzu snaps his teeth on air. Nathan, wide-eyed, does get up. Uncertainty threads through his blood as they both climb onto the same bed, changing position. Was he wrong? But Yuzu extends one hand to Nathan and Nathan takes it, taking that leap once more. Yuzu tugs him along, and Nathan finds himself on his hands and knees over Yuzu, looking down into a molten heat. Yuzu licks his lips, gaze searching Nathan's whole face like he wants all of it and can't decide what to start with first. Despite the fact that they're both hard, that they've just very explicitly been discussing - well, discussing  _ this _ \- Nathan's face is flushed with embarrassment. Practicing blowjobs on dildos is different than looking at another person, at  _ Yuzu,  _ with this sort of deliberation, after such a pause. Nathan's not sorry he stopped them for conversation, but he does miss the momentum, the roller-coaster lack of control that's carried them through everything they've done so far.

Of course, everything they've done before tonight was also aided by alcohol. But tonight they're stone cold sober, and that meant Nathan had enough presence of mind to think about things like consent. Like intention.

Yuzu blinks slowly, like some sort of great cat, and a smile curls slowly across his lips. Nathan doesn’t know what Yuzu saw in his eyes, what inspired that smile, but he abruptly feels like a mouse, held aloft in the cat's paws, nothing to do but wait. That's not true, not strictly, but Nathan chooses to anyway. The first part of this was impulse and anger. The tussle just now was relief, a celebration of communication reaching each other across the language and cultural divide. From here on...

"If you really do  _ not _ want, we stop," Yuzu says. "If you  _ do _ really want, it is okay to curse."

"Curse?" Nathan says, thrown, and then Yuzu's leg wraps around his hips and yanks, and Nathan comes down heavily onto Yuzu's body, thighs scissoring together. They both groan and Nathan's body rolls, following its primal knowledge. Yuzu arches into it: sighing and bowing his spine, tipping his chin back, baring his throat and chest, and Nathan is  _ gone _ . Gone, gone, and his hands are under the hem of Yuzu’s shirt in an instant, rucking it up to his armpits, forcing his arms up and baring his chest. Holding the shirt there with one fist, Nathan digs in, devouring Yuzu's skin as they grind. Kissing, sucking marks into the curve under his pectoral, into the meat of it over his heart.

By the time he gets up to Yuzu's collarbone, he's scraping with his teeth, rough, and he'd reconsider, he'd pull back and worry about the marks he's leaving, but Yuzu's coming alive under him, breath harsh and wet, and his leg, still wrapped around Nathan's middle, heel digging into Nathan's ass, pulls him onward. Nathan wonders, if he went still, if Yuzu is strong enough to keep grinding Nathan against his own cock all on his own, just with his legs and the undulation of his tight, hard core muscles.

Probably he is, and the mental image of it, improbable as it is,  _ does _ something to Nathan he's never felt before. No, not never - once before, when Yuzu grabbed his hair. That moment was like this one, and Nathan's voice breaks as he groans into Yuzu's ear. His arm threatens collapse, but he won't give in - not to a mental image of his own creation. That's for later, when he's on his own, remembering this. Right now, when Nathan comes it's going to be Yuzu's doing. 

He's got to hold on as long as he can, make this last. Make Yuzu cave first. It seems an impossible goal - he's got more experience, and less of a teenage hair-trigger body - but Nathan has always liked a challenge.

"Just gonna rub off in our pants like this?" he rasps, tucking as much arch amusement into the words as he's capable of in this state. Yuzu growls a no, and his leg unlocks from around Nathan's waist. That's enough for Nathan, and he rears back, yanking Yuzu’s shirt off over his head. His palms skate up the curves of Yuzu’s arms under the fabric, and it guides all four of their hands to the pillow above Yuzu’s head. They rest there for a moment, Yuzu’s chest lifts with heavy breath, and Nathan snaps out of it, shifting his weight to the side and tossing Yuzu’s shirt to the floor. 

Looping one leg around Yuzu's thighs, Nathan rolls them both to their sides, eye to eye. Their height difference evaporates when they're laying flat like this, and Nathan locks his leg around Yuzu's and  _ pulls _ . Their bodies come back together, leveraged at the hip, and Nathan cups Yuzu's cheek in his palm, thumb under his chin. The scar there is a roughness under the pad of his thumb, and he scrapes it with his thumbnail to see what happens. A sharp sound,  _ tch, _ pushed through Yuzu’s teeth. Not so much, then. Alright. Nathan cups Yuzu’s chin gently instead, pushing it back to stretch out his neck with a humming sigh of anticipation, and Yuzu melts into the touch, giving his throat over even as his thigh, flexed tight, seeks to grind Nathan into incoherence against his own body.

Nathan rolled them specifically to get his other hand behind him, to grip the curve of Yuzu's ass, to squeeze and lift that curve of muscle. Yuzu gasps, startled, as Nathan's fingers curl deep between his thighs, settling just at the crease between ass and thigh. Nathan likes getting a grip, finally, on this part of Yuzu, and Yuzu clearly is liking it too.

With his lips on Yuzu’s throat, working his way up, Nathan works his way under Yuzu’s waistband, putting only one thin layer of fabric between his palm and Yuzu’s skin. He’s touched it before, but those times it’s been bare by Yuzu’s doing. Never has Nathan been the one to tug and yank at Yuzu’s shorts, pulling the back of them down under the curve of his ass. It feels big, significant, but Nathan can’t stop to marvel over it. He’s so far from satisfied.

Nathan had almost forgotten Yuzu’s smug cat smile of just a couple minutes ago, but he remembers it, very vividly, when Yuzu’s hands move. Like some sort of aikido move, the kind that turns your attacker into your captive with just a few motions, using the other person’s momentum, Yuzu  _ moves _ him. Nathan thinks that if he wasn’t so blind with need, maybe he’d be able to keep track of how, exactly, Yuzu got himself from in front of Nathan to behind and on top of him. How he got Nathan face down in the pillows with one arm held back and Yuzu’s hand on his ass, lifting his hips up, goading him to kneel tall.   
  
Yuzu’s cock presses against Nathan’s ass as he lays himself over Nathan’s back, holding his arm by the elbow with strength but care, nowhere close to wrenching anything. He’s only kept custody of it to get and keep Nathan off-balance, and to give himself more leverage. Nathan rolls his head to the side, getting his mouth out of the pillow, and curses.

“ _ Fuck! _ ” Behind him, Yuzu laughs, and it’s not seductive or low, it’s sharp and jangling and smug as fuck, and it’s perfect. He grabs Nathan’s hip, the waistband there, and yanks and tugs. Nathan’s sweatpants slide down, and Yuzu lets go of Nathan’s elbow to get the job done faster, pushing on both sides, roughly tugging the front, until the elastic is down past the swell of Nathan’s ass, past the bulge of his cock, and the pants slide the rest of the way down his thighs to bunch at the knees. Nathan’s boxer briefs are thin, made of that awesome bamboo fiber sweat-wicking shit, and fitted snugly. Despite that, his cock is  _ still _ an obscene tent, hanging low under his belly. Yuzu’s still got his joggers on, but he pushes them down to mid-thigh, which puts them both in just their underwear.

Nathan’s twisted around to look, pushing himself up on his elbows, and frowns because he can barely see anything, not from this angle. Yuzu shows his teeth, shoving at Nathan’s shoulder.

“You moved!” he protests.

“You didn’t hold me down,” Nathan hears himself say, and then Yuzu’s got his elbow again and his cheek and shoulder hit the mattress and oh, okay, yeah.  _ Yeah. _ This is a thing now. Two times is coincidence and three times is a pattern. He  _ likes _ getting tugged around a little.   


“God, don’t just stay there,” Nathan grumbles, trying to cover for the way that he’s trembling just to be in this position, even with frustrating cold air between the small of his back where his shirt has slid up, and his ass and his thighs and any part of Yuzu. “If you’re going to tease me, then--” Nathan bucks his hips back, trying to grind Yuzu’s cock into the groove of his ass.

“Not teasing.” Yuzu leans back in, pulling back on Nathan’s arm, rubbing the inside of his elbow with his thumb. It’s a strangely affectionate gesture that Nathan takes note of, briefly distracted, before Yuzu cants his hips down and forward and Nathan almost whites out right then and there. 

He’s never felt anything like it, the heat of a hard cock pressed deep into the groove of his ass, and he remembers, very suddenly, how goddamn inexperienced he really is. He’d gotten cocky, practicing the moves he could on his own, but everyone knows that no one knows shit about Yuzu’s relationship history. Nathan is learning that it’s  _ not _ an empty one, as some have theorised. Somewhere along the line, along with Olympic gold and more records set and broken than God, Yuzu has gained the ability to absolutely destroy Nathan with little more than grinding and heavy petting. 

There’s almost nothing between them, just two microfiber-thin layers of stretchy fabric. Nathan’s hindbrain doesn’t know that there’s no way Yuzu can get inside Nathan like this. His hindbrain only knows what that sensation means, what this position means, and it  _ hungers _ . The heat of Yuzu’s need burns into Nathan, making his gut drop in anticipation, making his thighs flex and his cock twitch. His body wants Yuzu to fucking  _ mount _ him, and Nathan’s struggling to think of any reason at all that they shouldn’t. Suddenly, Nathan’s closer to coming than he was with his mouth on Yuzu’s cock, or Yuzu’s hand on his. Yuzu pulls on his arm, gentle, just to remind Nathan that he’s got it, and Nathan  _ keens _ .

“Fuck,  _ please. _ ” From cocky to begging in forty-five seconds. Nathan would be embarrassed at how easily he caved if he weren’t so turned on.

Yuzu leans forward again. One hand holds Nathan’s wrist pinned between the small of his own back and Yuzu’s belly, and Nathan feels Yuzu’s core muscle flexing against his knuckles as Yuzu lifts his other hand from the mattress. Letting Nathan’s kneel keep them steady, Yuzu slips his hand under the hem of Nathan’s shirt, inside his underwear, and curls cool fingers around his aching cock. Fingers ringed snugly around, right at the base, Yuzu grips him tight and just holds him there for a moment - just a second, but it feels like it goes on forever. Then, finally, his hand moves, stroking Nathan loose and fast. He’s been drooling pre, and it smears down his length under Yuzu’s palm, down and back up again. Behind him, Yuzu’s own cock presses tight against Nathan’s ass. His concentration is fraying in two directions at once.

The mental image coalesces behind Nathan’s closed eyelids, a vivid understanding of what they look like in this moment. Nathan with his face in the pillows, ass in the air. Yuzu, shirtless, behind him,  _ over _ him. Both of them with their pants shoved down to their knees, too impatient for more. Nathan wonders what Yuzu’s expression looks like, what his face is doing as he holds Nathan down, jacking him slowly. Nathan hears every roughened breath Yuzu draws, feels every swell of Yuzu’s chest against his back and the damp heat of Yuzu’s breath across his nape. His heart is in his throat, thundering hard. 

And then, from one breath to the next, it’s all too much. Orgasm hits Nathan like a truck, and he shoots into Yuzu’s palm, smearing between his fingers as Yuzu keeps stroking Nathan through it. He lets Nathan’s arm go, and Nathan snaps that hand back, grabbing Yuzu’s thigh and tugging Yuzu with him as he wobbles forward. He needs that cock to stay pressed tight against his ass. He  _ needs _ that pressure, the way it’s making something new in his brain light up with  _ yes yes yes _ .

He’s come in front of Yuzu before, but this feels different. This feels  _ entangled _ in a way that the blowjob at Four Continents didn’t. Nathan, shuddering, slides down to the bed, and Yuzu lets go of his cock and rides him down, til they’re both puddled limp on the mattress, Yuzu still over him, still  _ on _ him. His hand is pinned flat between Nathan’s hip and the mattress. Nathan’s too hot, an overwhelmed shiver skittering across his sweat-beaded skin as he drags in deep lungfuls of air and floats on the high.

Nathan has no idea how long it takes for him to come back down to earth. But when he arrives, it’s to find Yuzu laying on his side beside him, propped up on one elbow, watching him.

“Uh, shit,” Nathan mumbles. His throat feels rough, dry. Did he yell? Fuck, he hopes not. “Hey.”

“You liked,” Yuzu says. It’s not a question. Nathan answers anyway, rolling onto his side and then sitting up, legs folded under him. His underwear is a  _ mess _ .

“Christ, yes,” Nathan says. “Shit, Yuzu, that was…”

“I wonder if you  _ want  _ to fight,” Yuzu says, lifting one brow with quietly arch bemusement. “You like when you cannot, huh?”

“What, the-- I don’t know,” Nathan mutters, flushing dark. Yuzu is calm, poised and smug, and he’s only half-hard by now. Whether that means he took care of himself while Nathan was blitzed out, Nathan doesn’t know, but he doesn’t like it either way. Yuzu looks analytical. He looks  _ distanced _ , and Nathan is not about that life. 

_ I’m going to pull you down into the mess with me, _ he decides.

“Your turn,” Nathan says, reaching for Yuzu’s crotch. Yuzu bats away Nathan’s hand, more curious than displeased, so Nathan grabs his joggers, bunched up and still halfway on, and tugs them down. His hands linger on Yuzu’s calves as he pulls the fabric away, and one fingernail tracks a ticklish path up Yuzu’s leg from shin to thigh once the joggers are out of the way.   
  
Yuzu rolls onto his back as Nathan crawls back up the bed, braced up on his elbows to keep Nathan in his sights. Nathan straddles Yuzu’s thighs, splaying his hands across his belly, and curls his fingers down, fitting them to the slopes of Yuzu’s narrow waist. The contrast between their skin tones is particularly vivid here; some of the palest skin on Yuzu’s body set against some of the darkest on Nathan’s.

Nathan bends down, curving his back tight to make it work, and lays a kiss on the center of Yuzu’s abdomen, right at the bottom point of his sternum. Beneath Nathan’s lips, Yuzu’s skin flutters as he draws a quick breath. Nathan tries nipping him there, letting his teeth drag. Yuzu breathes steadily through that, muscles tensing subtly. Nathan glances up at Yuzu, meeting his eyes, then kisses Yuzu’s skin again.

Again the flutter, making muscle and skin shiver under Nathan’s hands and lips.   
  
Alright, then.   
  
He bites; Yuzu makes a soft sound of pleasure in his throat, a comfortable groan.   
  
He kisses again, ever so slow, dragging it out; his breath feathers against Yuzu’s skin, hovering just above the surface. His lips brush the downy peachfuzz hairs on Yuzu’s belly, warm breath promising for long moments before his lips touch down to deliver the soft, gently pulling suction of the kiss. And again Yuzu makes a noise, but this time it’s high in his throat, almost nasal, and his head tips back, stretching out his throat, as he shivers.    
  
A wolfishly pleased smile spreads across Nathan’s features, and he can tell that Yuzu knows he’s given himself away by the way Yuzu tenses up all over, like he’s waiting for Nathan to decide what he’s going to do with this compromising information now that he’s got it.

Nathan himself doesn’t know yet, but he knows he’ll recognize the right lock to use this key on when the time comes.

☄

With his first orgasm out of his system, Nathan feels more in control. The relaxed confidence from earlier in the evening is coming back to him, and it’s right on time, as he sets himself to the task of getting past Yuzu’s remarkable self-control. He kisses his way up and down Yuzu’s body, giving him softness where Yuzu had treated him roughly, and it seems to be having the same profound effect on Yuzu as getting shoved around a little did for Nathan. Little by little, he’s melting. He’s trying not to show it, but each caress, each faint quivering sigh, says differently. Each slow, deliberate squeeze of Nathan’s hands around Yuzu’s calf, or bicep, or the span of his thigh just below his groin, tells Nathan more. 

Nathan finishes undressing Yuzu as he maps his body with his mouth. Deliberately, he pulls off Yuzu’s underwear, taking his time with it, and Yuzu arches his hips up not to help Nathan get him out of the garment but to writhe against the bite of Nathan’s teeth over the crest of his hipbone. Nathan sucks a hickey into being there, telling himself it’s a very safe place, they get bruises on the outside of their thighs all the time, it’ll always be covered by clothes. He starts slow, just in case Yuzu reacts poorly to the idea of being marked, but Yuzu’s hand just knots into the sheets beside himself and his back bows, hip rolling up off the bed, toward the hard kiss of Nathan’s lips.

He laps Yuzu’s cock into his mouth now and then, not so much blowing him as just including it in the kissing massage, and Yuzu grits his teeth, clearly determined not to whine, not to beg, even when Nathan plays dirty and hums with his cockhead on his tongue.

_ I’ll figure out your trick, _ Nathan resolves. He can feel he’s getting closer. Yuzu’s like a puzzle box, and Nathan’s just got to find the right combination to get him open.

☄

He ends up finding that right combination by accident.

Yuzu’s been resisting falling apart all night, holding on to his control, and time and again he’s pushed Nathan away from his body just in time to bring himself back from the brink. But Nathan’s started to feel impatient with it, started to truly lose his composure, and when Yuzu pushes him away  _ again, _ Nathan feels his patience truly fray. Yuzu's pushed Nathan off of his cock with one hand on his shoulder, and his hand's stayed there, thin fingers gripping the slope of his shoulder tightly. Yuzu's free hand is knotting rhythmically into the sheets, knuckles flashing white, and he's looking up at the ceiling with a wide, unseeing gaze and open mouth, gasping for air in deep breaths. His cock, shiny with Nathan's spit and so red it's plummy, twitches against his belly, drooling pre into the shallow, defined cut of his abdominals. His  _ toes _ are curling, one foot moving restlessly against the sheets like he's seeking a foothold, leverage, that he won't allow himself to take.

Nathan crawls back up the bed and flops out on his side beside Yuzu, propped up on one elbow. He looks him over with a tight, frustrated sigh.

"You don't hate it," he says, stating the obvious. "You're enjoying it, why won't you let me finish you off?"

Yuzu blinks at him, uncomprehending, and Nathan realizes he's pulled Yuzu past the limits of English. He's  _ blitzed, _ closer than Nathan's managed to get him all night, and that realization sends an intoxicating heat roiling through his blood.

Nathan spreads his right hand out flat, fingers splayed. Holding it in the air just above Yuzu's chest, he looks to his eyes for permission. "Can I?"

Yuzu swallows and nods.

Nathan sets his hand down gently, stroking it across Yuzu's skin in wide, modest arcs. Rather than focusing on Yuzu's nipples or anything, Nathan just...strokes. Just pets Yuzu's skin, gentling him, easing him. Slowly the wild look leaves Yuzu's eyes; the heat remains, but the incoherence fades away. After a little while of this, Nathan's loosely curled his fingers under and is using his knuckles to caress Yuzu's sternum and belly, and Yuzu swallows and clears his throat.

"I am ready," Yuzu says, with the sort of gravitas that makes Nathan immediately assume he's missed some cue, some layer of meaning that he should be understanding right now and isn't.

"For...?" he asks. Yuzu breathes deep, exhales shudderingly. His cock twitches.

"Please continue," he says, carefully. "You must...tug me across." Nathan frowns, and Yuzu huffs, frustrated. "Um. Across the--  _ edge, _ " he says, flushing deep pink across his nose.

Tentative understanding sparks in Nathan's mind.

"You want me to keep going?" he asks. Yuzu nods firmly.

"It is hard for me to..." He stops. His breath is still coming with such strain, still shallow. Despite how long Nathan's been laying here with him, gentling him down, Yuzu's still so close to his edge. Nathan doesn't understand him - his own body sure fucking doesn't work that way, but the first thing Nathan learned about this kind of stuff was to  _ not _ assume everybody works the same. So, whatever, Yuzu's just as weirdly unique in sex as he is in, well, everything else he does. Kinda appropriate, when he thinks about it that way.

Yuzu moves, just a tiny little fussing wiggle, and Nathan's drifting attention snaps back down into acute, intense focus on him. He's half-hard just watching Yuzu be so hungry.

"It is hard," Yuzu tries again. "Letting...go." His eyes are huge. Nathan feels like he's drowning in them.

"You don't have to," Nathan says, because that's what you say, right? You don't pressure somebody, and sex doesn't  _ have _ to involve orgasms, and none of that feels like it's hitting the mark, because Yuzu's gaze isn't afraid, isn't hesitant; it's  _ needy _ .

Nathan feels like he's downshifting gears, into a deeper stage of some kind of galaxy brain meme image, as he licks his lips and opens his mouth again.

"...no, wait. You want me to  _ make you? _ " he hears himself ask.

Yuzu nods.

"Woah. Okay. Yeah. I can- uh, yeah. I can totally- yeah." Nathan's heart is suddenly going triple-time and he swallows, hard, feeling a little dizzy.

Yuzu pushes on his shoulders, urging him back down the bed, and Nathan goes, feeling a confusing tangle of emotion. There's insecurity there, worry that he can't possibly get this right, that they don't know each other well enough -- but there's a swelling confidence, too, a heat that's rising up to fill his whole chest. And when he sinks back down onto Yuzu's cock, guiding him with gentle fingertips and sucking him tight between his lips, Yuzu  _ keens _ and writhes, hips twisting, fighting himself to move and not move all at once, and Nathan's uncertainty evaporates in an instant.

When Yuzu starts whining, little sounds beginning to leak from his mouth, Nathan grips his hips more firmly, holding him in place. When his thighs start quivering, spreading wider at the same time as they shudder with involuntary tremors, Nathan heaves one of them over his shoulder and keeps going. And when Yuzu's hand tightens in Nathan's hair, so tight it aches, it  _ hurts, _ Nathan grabs his own cock with his free hand and squeezes, lapping and sucking at Yuzu's with breathless urgency.

There's one moment, when all the tension, in every direction, draws tight at once. Tears bead at the corners of Nathan's eyes and he holds his ground, swallowing deep in his throat. And that does it.

This is nothing like the time Nathan blew Yuzu at Helsinki. Something else just happened, something he doesn't quite understand, and he doesn't have time to think too deeply about it because Yuzu's spilling full and thick in his mouth, and Nathan's got his hands full just swallowing it all down, or trying to. He doesn't manage it perfectly - this is one more way in which practice is just really nothing like the real thing - but as he pulls back for air, cum dripping from the corner of his mouth, Yuzu is moaning softly, out of his head with orgasm, and Nathan knows  _ exactly _ what the cat who got the cream must have felt like, as he licks his lips clean and crawls back up the bed to lay beside Yuzu. 

A minute or so later, Yuzu blinks his eyes open and rolls his head to the side to look at Nathan. He's not  _ saying _ anything, though, just looking at Nathan with a heavy, deep weight in his gaze, something that Nathan can't fully translate. Nathan isn't sure what his own expression is doing, but from the way Yuzu's looking at it, it's doing  _ something. _

"You okay?" he asks, looking at Yuzu's mouth. Glances up again to Yuzu's eyes - and sees that Yuzu's not been looking at his eyes, either. His heart thumps, hard, against his breastbone.    
  
"Yuzu, are you okay--" Yuzu lurches forward, rolling onto his side, rolling further, til Nathan's pushed onto his back, half-pinned beneath him. He looks down, and Nathan blinks up at him, in one second, one  _ half _ second, that seems to stretch out into a much, much longer moment.    
  
And then - for the first time - they’re kissing.    
  
Nathan doesn't know if he moved first, or if Yuzu did; he doesn't even know if he  _ meant _ to move, or if he just...did. They met somewhere in the space between Nathan's pillow and Yuzu's low lean, and Nathan opens his mouth to Yuzu's, lips parting at the first touch of his tongue. Yuzu's making a noise above him, almost a growl, a rumbling thing that makes Nathan feel like territory, like Yuzu is claiming him.    
  
He likes it.    
  
Nathan reaches up, grabbing onto Yuzu's shoulder, his hair; he sighs into it, and hooks one knee around Yuzu's - whether to hold him where he is or to pull him lower, further down onto Nathan, Nathan's not sure. He's not thinking a lot, honestly; Yuzu's mouth is hot and sharp somehow, sharp but sweet, and Nathan's kissed other people before, a lot of them he'd think, maybe, as far as he knows it's a lot? - but that's not the point, the point is that he's never kissed someone who kisses like Yuzu does. He's never  _ been _ kissed like this.   
  
He's dizzy with it.    
  
He doesn't know how long they kiss before Yuzu pulls back, letting cool air into the space between them, and Nathan blinks his eyes open, taking stock of his situation. Yuzu's sprawled on top of him, hard against Nathan's thigh, and Nathan's hard too, pressed into the vee of Yuzu's hipbone. Yuzu's mouth is reddened, lips puffy, and his eyes are dark, pupils blown out.    
  
He meets Nathan's gaze, shuddering, and a little uncertain whimper feathers out of him, like he's trying to hold it back, but he's too shaken, or nervous, or hungry, to keep it back. Nathan glances at Yuzu's mouth, then his wide dark eyes again. Then back to his mouth, and Yuzu swallows softly and licks his lips. He leaves them softly parted when he's done.    
  
He looks obscene.    
  
Nathan groans and pulls him down again, threading both hands into Yuzu's hair to keep him exactly where he wants him.

☄

The tone, the  _ weight _ of what’s passing between them, changes.

☄

Flat on his back with his wrists pinned, the most Nathan can do right now is dig in his heels against the mattress to thrust his thighs up, thrash his shoulders and twist at the waist. But Yuzu's weight, straddling Nathan, is balanced on the mattress, not Nathan’s body, and so when he bucks it just moves his cock between Yuzu's lube-slicked thighs - it doesn't free him. It's preternatural, the way Yuzu can adapt to Nathan's movement; with his eyes closed, mouth hanging contentedly slack, he's riding Nathan with the confidence of a seasoned bronco breaker. His core's tight, and his breath comes heavy and deep. His cock is hard, balls tight still, and they've been a cool, firm counterpoint to the heat of his inner thighs this whole time, as Nathan's cockhead drags past them on every stroke. It’s a close thing, but Yuzu hasn't come, even as Nathan writhes beneath him, squirms with the last few moments of full hardness he has in the wake of his orgasm. Yuzu's thighs are covered in Nathan's come, dripping like icing glaze, and the pressure is suddenly too much, too tight. Shivers roll down Nathan's skin, cold sweat following, and all Nathan wants is to throw Yuzu, roll onto his side, gasp for breath until the world stops swimming.

But Yuzu isn't lifting off, isn't moving away, isn't letting Nathan slip free. He bucks, hipbones smacking the undersides of Yuzu's thighs, and Yuzu simply laughs - hoarse, dry, short. Utterly unbothered. Nathan whines, high in his throat, and it's embarrassing and frustrating and he squirms again, throws his shoulder into it, trying to get his wrists free, or even one of them. But Yuzu just shifts his weight forward, onto his hands, and Nathan's wrists creak quietly, sinking into the mattress.

"Off," Nathan croaks, throat raw, and Yuzu shakes his head and leans in, bites the ridge of Nathan's jaw. But his grip  _ does _ loosen. Nathan’s gratified to see that Yuzu’s shaking, just a little bit. He’s close.

"Not finished," Yuzu murmurs, and Nathan groans.

"Let my hands up and I'll fix that," he says, and jerks against Yuzu's grip again. Instead of letting him up, Yuzu shifts his weight back, onto Nathan's groin, and they both hiss.

"I have an idea," Yuzu says, sucking the hollow at the base of Nathan's throat. "If I let your wrists go… you stay put, be good?"

"Fuck," Nathan mutters, not a disagreement, not an agreement. He hates that he can’t make himself disobey - and fuck that, it’s not even an instruction! It’s just an offer. A conditional. But Nathan is starting to learn that he  _ likes _ those, damn it. Yuzu snickers and slithers back. Nathan shakes out his hands, fingers tingling, and watches Yuzu. What the hell is he up to?

☄

"It's too much," Nathan says softly, and rolls his head back, pressing the top of his skull as deeply into the pillow as he can. His neck and shoulders arch, tucking up off the bed, following the small of his back which he's not sure has relaxed even once in the last fifteen minutes. He digs in his elbows at his sides, pushing with his arms too, to make the curve sharper. The strain slides down his back, down his spine, and down into his hips, spreading, dissipating. Yuzu's chest, wet with sweat, sticks to the underside of Nathan's thigh slung over his shoulder, and Nathan's toes are cold where they're still curled into the sheets to gain a grip. With a conscious effort he uncurls them and splays them out to coax away the stiffness. There's stars scattered across the black of his eyelids.

"You aren't begging to stop," Yuzu observes, from somewhere near Nathan's hip. Nathan cracks his eyes open, twisting his chin down, to see Yuzu, chin resting on the bend between hip and thigh like the fucking Cheshire Cat. His eyes are hidden behind the thin crescents of a smile that's as genuine as it is up to no good. Nathan can all but  _ see _ a scoreboard in those eyes, and while earlier in the night that would have inspired him to fight back, to try to flip the script just for the sake of flipping it, right now, Nathan isn’t sure he could move even if he wanted to.

Yuzu pushes his hair back from his eyes, licking his lips, then licks his teeth. Half a dozen sharply bruised crescents, bite marks, on Nathan's inner thighs immediately throb at the reminder, and he groans, cock twitching. His hindbrain is clamoring, whether or not Nathan's conscious brain wants it to, for more.

Yuzu plays innocent. "Should I stop?"

_ Yes,  _ Nathan thinks,  _ yes, it's too much, I’m done. _ If he says stop, Yuzu will heed it. His head could maybe stop spinning.

"No," he breathes, and the word shakes. "And I have no idea why I said that, because I'm exhausted and I just want to come and pass out."

"Okay," Yuzu tells him. He rubs his hands down his thighs, knuckles curled, heels of his palms digging in. The muscle ripples and shivers under his touch, and he presses harder. Nathan watches the muscles in Yuzu's shoulders and forearms bunch and flex as he massages his thighs to keep them from knotting.

"Where are you going with this?" Nathan asks, making an effort to be impatient, to challenge Yuzu as much as he still can. He's tired, but not too much to stop caring about how cocky Yuzu still is, how self-assured.

"Mmm-hmm," Yuzu hums. He exhales, shakes his hands out, lightly smacks his hips, and his cheeks. Like he's getting himself alert, preparing for-- what? A fight?  _ You're absurd, _ Nathan thinks, _ you're the most absurd man I've ever slept with.  _ Notwithstanding that he's the only one. Nathan knows even if he had a little black book full, Yuzu would still top the list.

Then Yuzu's gaze goes distant, like he's looking at a spot on the ice thirty-five feet away, planning. It pulls Nathan out of his distracted thoughts, and that's all the warning he has before Yuzu's throat is pulsing around Nathan's achingly hard cock.

☄

"I'll help," Nathan offers, reaching forward, stroking the inner flank of Yuzu's thigh. He’s wrung out, still breathing hard from his second orgasm of the night, but Yuzu still hasn’t come a second time; though he’s gotten close again and again, each time Yuzu has backed away from that precipice of collapse with slow, deep breaths and a level of self-control that leaves Nathan both awed and irritated. Four years’ difference or not, Nathan’s  _ sure  _ he can do better than this.

They’re laying on the bed in an imperfect yin-yang curl, Nathan’s thighs pillowing Yuzu’s head, Yuzu’s ankles crossed daintily on the pillows near Nathan’s shoulder. 

"Mmm. That's good," Yuzu says, thigh flexing softly under Nathan’s caress, and licks his lips. Nathan wonders if he’s still tasting Nathan there. "Just soft, that way."

Nathan grips Yuzu's knee, quietly rubbing his thumb in little crescent arcs, and watches Yuzu's hands. He's got the head of himself between his fingertips, thumb and ring and pinkie, pressing and twisting over the top of his foreskin. He pulls it up, covering his head, and pushes back down again, only just as far as the soft under-curve of his head and the taut smooth slope of his frenulum. Every ten strokes or so, Yuzu flicks it, like plucking a string, just with the pad of his thumb: Light as the touch is, it's still enough to send a shudder through him from head to toe.

Nathan watches - not just the way that Yuzu's fingers move over his cockhead, but the rest of the movement happening too: the flutter of breath in his belly, lungs filled all the way down to his diaphragm. The way he rolls his lips between his teeth, pressing them there in a soundless bite and breathing through his nose. His nipples tighten, smooth dusky areolae pebbling and drawing in, til they're hard and tight and Nathan feels a tug low in his gut to reach up and touch. He wonders how Yuzu would quiver at the touch of Nathan's thumb; how the warm wash of his breath and the flick of his tongue might make Yuzu's whole body seize. He'd bury his fingers in Nathan's hair, hold his mouth right there, right in place, demanding that Nathan suck and lick til he made Yuzu sing his need in high, keening whines. Nathan thinks he should make a point of doing just that. Later.

Yuzu's stroking himself harder now; each slow press of his fingers against his foreskin drags it further down, stretches it further up. Now and then he squeezes the heel of his hand around the head of his cock and his voice is thick, low, when he sighs in pleasure. His body's going languid, head tipped back heavy and loose against the slope of Nathan's leg.

"Does it look good?" Yuzu asks, and Nathan realizes he's lost track of time, largely lost track of his own body, drawn in by the hypnotic pull of Yuzu's hand on his own cock. Yuzu's skin is flushed. Sweat beads at his collarbones, sheens his chest and his belly. His breath comes in harsh, shallow pulls. There's a shine at the tip of his foreskin, a shine which extends and spreads as he pulls it down, shows Nathan the glossy, dark head of his cock. "Feels good."

"Nn-hnh," Nathan grunts. His throat is dry. He discovers his own hand's on his chest, thumb rubbing and flicking the tight bud of his own nipple, and he doesn't remember when he started doing that. His skin's flushed, tight, and there's a full, loud buzz of arousal floating around in his head, under his skin. Nathan didn't notice it beginning, or growing; the last he'd consciously taken stock of his own body, he was just watching Yuzu enjoy himself.

“You want me to do you, too?” Yuzu asks, and Nathan nods. “Okay,” Yuzu hums. “I will, later.”   
  


☄

"I think about feeling you inside me," Yuzu gasps a while later, directly against the shell of Nathan's ear, as they lay spooned together on their sides. They’re both fully naked, and Yuzu has both arms wrapped around Nathan’s middle, hands busy between his thighs. And they _were_ just lazily pawing at each other, both pretty wrung-out from everything that’s gone before, fight and orgasms alike, and it was cool and felt good, and Nathan was reminded of the times he’s stroked himself lazily in the mornings, half awake, hand shoved into his shorts under the covers, and ended up dozing off again before getting anywhere with it, more in it for the soft buzz of sensation than the completion.  
  
And then Yuzu fucking said _that._   
  
Nathan clutches the mattress in front of himself and shudders and his cock bucks in Yuzu’s palm like it’s trying to fucking launch into orbit or something. His balls have gone so tight, so fast, that they ache. Everything is strung tight and his breath is stuck in his chest, half an inhale causing a traffic jam and making all the other ones come out shallow. That’s so far afield, _so_ much more than either of them wanted to or was prepared to attempt tonight, and Nathan knows that. It’s a fantasy, not an offer, but the idea that Yuzu’s _thought_ about it? Pictured it? _With him?_

It spins his head.

Yuzu’s wrist flicks wickedly, strokes getting faster, and Nathan never wants it to stop. He wonders, wildly, thoughts beginning to short-circuit, how much harder he can become; he'd thought he knew what it felt like to be as hard as he could possibly be, but now he's not sure. He's surpassed his own limits so many times tonight that he's lost count, and now this? He knows it isn’t going to take much to finish him, and it doesn’t. Nathan comes, near dry, with his eyes scrunched tightly shut, teeth gritted as he fucks up into Yuzu’s hand, completely and utterly failing not to fantasize about fucking into a different part of Yuzu.   
  
Holding Nathan tight as the orgasm hits, Yuzu whispers something into Nathan’s hair, too faint to hear, breath breaking between syllables. He grips Nathan tight, body and fingers rolling together, pulling Nathan's orgasm through him, and Nathan groans brokenly, gasping roughly into his pillow. They rest together like that for long moments, too deeply entangled in each other to do more than rock their bodies against each other, Yuzu's cock still hard and hot between them like an iron brand.

☄

They keep going until they can’t go any longer. And when they fall asleep, it’s from unintentional, blind exhaustion. They wake again not long after, chilled and still entangled in each other. Nathan assumes he's only been out for a moment, a brief insensate blackout of exhaustion or pleasure or both, but hell, for all he knows it could have been half an hour. He feels wrung out and exhausted, and he's somehow not acutely sore anywhere, which seems impossible given the amount of individual, ah, achievements that are coming to mind as he wakes up more fully. He's sprawled half on top of Yuzu, who seems less wrung out than Nathan, but not by much, and dazed.  
  
A silent, tense moment grips them both when their eyes meet: a crossroads, a moment of transition. They look at each other, both unsure whether the other one’s going to speak first. They’re sticky and sore, and Nathan knows that the overwhelmed emotion in Yuzu’s eyes is just the same as the emotion laid bare in his own. There’s no pretending that this was just a consolation prize anymore. This was no simple game of lustful one-upmanship, not after Nathan begged _please_ or Yuzu had to blink tears out of the corners of his eyes. Not after they reached for each other again and again throughout the night, not after they abandoned competition for cooperation.  
  
Something changed tonight.  
  
But what is there to _say?_ Nathan doesn’t even know where to begin. Doesn’t know whether the links that have been created between them are more like a heavy chain or a delicate necklace. They’re untested, and Nathan doesn’t know what words would break what’s just been forged while it’s still tender, still molten and raw enough to burn them both.  
  
He doesn’t want to risk it.  
  
Yuzu clearly has as little idea how to proceed as Nathan; his expression, usually so complex, is laid bare: just exhaustion, confusion, uncertainty.  
  
It’s that uncertainty that makes up Nathan’s mind for him, and he reaches for Yuzu, pulling him in. They shift, until they’re laying side by side, stretched out comfortably beneath the covers instead of tangled and bent on top of each other, laid half-bare to the hotel room’s overactive A/C.  
  
Nathan’s not generally used to sleeping with someone in the bed beside him, and certainly not in such close proximity. He scoots, putting a little space between them, and Yuzu mimics him, but the way that they both keep checking the other, looking to each other for reassurance, keeps the distance from feeling isolating.  
  
_Maybe I should have kissed him goodnight,_ Nathan thinks, drowsy. _He kisses good._   
  
He drifts off.

☄

Sometime around four AM, Nathan wakes up to the sound of the shower running. He squints, bleary-eyed, and paws around on the nightstand for his glasses until he finds them. The room comes into better focus then, and that confirms for him two things: one, that he's not crazy, this is definitely his room. And two, that Yuzu's helped himself to the shower. It makes sense, in a way; they'd passed out filthy and exhausted and sated, and without any sort of preamble or intention.  _ Fucked stupid and put away wet, _ Nathan thinks, not yet sure if he's proud of himself or disgusted. He'd had certain ideas for last night, but to say they'd surpassed those vague guidelines would be an understatement.

_ Shit. _

By the time the water shuts off, Nathan still hasn't decided what he's going to say to Yuzu, and the door opens a few silent minutes later to Yuzu, wrapped in a huge towel that goes all the way around his skinny frame twice. He looks both primly unruffled and completely ruffled, somehow, at once. He doesn't say anything.

If discretion is the better part of valor, avoidance is the better part of coping, so Nathan doesn't say anything either, and takes his turn in the bathroom.

When he's done he opens the door, rubbing absentmindedly at his hair with a towel slung around his shoulders. He's otherwise naked, aside from the cloud of steam coming along with him, because when you're alone in your hotel room you can do that. But Yuzu's still here, dressed and sitting on the edge of the bed they wrecked, watching him calmly. The other bed is clean, and Nathan had been planning on just collapsing into it and sleeping away any opportunity for second thoughts or regret, at least until he has to get ready for his flight. Instead, he grabs a towel and wraps it around his hips quickly, because it's rude to walk around naked when you're not alone in your hotel room, and apparently, Nathan is not.

Nathan had fully expected Yuzu to take the opportunity, while Nathan was in the shower, to just leave - no fuss, no conversation, no looking at each other and thinking too hard about everything that happened. But, as Nathan is coming to realize, Yuzu always surprises.

"This is my room," Nathan says, but he's not telling Yuzu to get out, and the abject confusion in his voice makes that pretty clear. "You're still here?"

Yuzu nods. "I wanted to speak to you, before I leave. I don't know when we'll see each other again."

"The Final," Nathan says automatically, realizing as he opens his mouth that that wasn't Yuzu's point. Yuzu smiles thinly, acknowledging the interruption, and continues.

"It would be bad to not talk for so long. Even though it is...as you said. 'Awks.'"

Nathan snorts laughter. "Never thought I'd hear you use my dumb slang," he says, and Yuzu tips his head to the side, a little pleased. The air between them feels clearer now, a little easier. Maybe that's just the steam dissipating, but Nathan doesn't think so.

"You're very skilled," Yuzu says, and Nathan blinks. He can't possibly mean in bed. Yuzu sees the confusion and amends: "Skating."

Oh, right. "Okay, and...?"

"This makes you attractive."

"I...thank you?" Nathan has no idea where Yuzu is going with this. No reasonable idea, at least. The corner of him that grew up on Disney Channel Original movies has some ideas, but he's stuffing a sock in  _ that  _ delusional train of thought.

"Clearly you agree," Yuzu continues. "So, we share an interest. Also we have skating." He looks down at his hands, then meets Nathan's eye again; he's holding himself steady, presenting a confident appearance, but there's little cracks here and there. He's nervous, or uneasy. Nathan figures that makes two of them.

"Do you already have any...relationships... that would make us wrong to continue? If we have competition together, and feel wanting, and can have enough time?" Yuzu asks, matter of fact as anything, as if it's normal to just. Proposition your competition to establish an ongoing hookup expectation...relationship...thing.   
  
Hell, maybe it is. Nathan wouldn’t know. He definitely doesn’t run in those circles, regardless of how much Adam’s encouraged him to.

"You're saying you... want to be friends with benefits?"

"Just benefits," Yuzu says quickly, shoulders tensing. "We are not friends. Just rivals."

Nathan blinks in disbelief, straight up white-guy-blinking-dot-gif blinks at him, and Yuzu gazes back, steady gaze beginning to waver.

"If you don't want, you should just say it," he backpedals, sullen, and Nathan scrambles to cut that off, pushing aside the sudden pang of hurt slicing up between his own ribs into his heart in favor of answering the urgent need to make sure that Yuzu doesn’t feel hurt, doesn’t regret anything he’s said or done tonight.

"Woah, hey, hey, look, I don't mean that. I was just startled. I mean, ok, yeah I had fun, you just caught me by surprise there. I'm not going to get it twisted or anything, you're Yuzuru Hanyu and I'm just--"

"No  _ just, _ " Yuzu cuts in. "Not like that, not  _ 'Yuzuru Hanyu.' _ " He pronounces his own name with the same overdone emphasis Nathan did, the kind of emphasis that people use right before they append all his titles after his name. He rolls his eyes, irritated. "You have beat me three times now. Well. Two and a half." Yuzu frowns, obviously calculating whether short and long programs count separately or together, whether a loss in one cancels out a win in next. "What I mean, don't insult yourself. Insult yourself and it is insulting me too."

Nathan lets that sink in. "That was the weirdest 'be kind to yourself' motivational speech I've ever heard."

Yuzu flushes pink across his cheeks and nose, looking away sharply. "Shut up." His lips press together, holding back more that he has the impulse to say, and Nathan wishes again that he knew Japanese; maybe that would make whatever it is that Yuzuru's thinking easier for him to convey. Maybe not, maybe it’s the kind of thing that defies clarity.

“Sooooo..." Nathan drawls. Yuzu glances at him, just a sidelong thing, visibly struggling with the decision whether to be mollified or to remain embarrassed. Nathan smiles, charmed despite himself. When Yuzu's not in competition mode, he's really actually cute as fuck.

"You really don't, like, hate me?" Nathan doesn't  _ actually  _ think Yuzu does hate him, technically, but it's been a really big night for them. There's been a lot of anger but also a lot of orgasms, and some of those happened at the same time, so look, Nathan's just trying to cover all his bases.

Yuzu scowls at him. "What? No. Why would I hate you?"

It's Nathan's turn to frown. "You said we aren't friends." Yuzu chews his lip.

"Maybe I should not say...that. Um."

Nathan feels a smile coming on, the kind that gains momentum like riding your bike down the street during summer vacation, pedaling hard and harder, gaining speed til you get to the crest, the top of the hill at the end of the cul-de-sac. You take your feet off the pedals and the bike just  _ flies _ , and you're sailing, half out of control and half exactly where you mean to be, soaked in hot sunlight, laughter - your own and others' too - in your ears. It's a warm smile, a generous smile. It wants to share, to grow.

“ _ Ohh. _ ”

Yuzu watches that smile fill Nathan's features with apprehension, waiting for another shoe to drop, for an answer in concrete words, one he can be sure of. Nathan huffs, pleased and bemused and touched by the completely awkward dork propositioning him for friendship in the half-dark of a hotel room at four AM, and nods.

Yuzu fidgets in place as Nathan's quiet smile and soft gaze persist in seeing  _ through _ him without answering back. He tries to say several things at once, uncharacteristically cutting himself off, words coming out rushed. "I am sorry, this should not-- you should not feel feel like-- I do not want you to feel that I am using you--"

Nathan holds up a hand to ask Yuzu to be quiet, and he does. Nathan smiles, and sits down on the edge of his bed. "Hey, it's cool. So, yeah, I'll see you at the GPF, right?"

A furrow deepens between Yuzu's brows. "I am not sure you understand."

Nathan shrugs one shoulder, feeling at ease in this conversation. The unrealty bubble still hasn't popped, it seems, because where he would normally be wracked with nerves, right now he simply feels confident.

"Oh, I do," he says, and his eyes sharpen,  _ try me, _ challenging Yuzu to misunderstand this time. He doesn't.

Maybe Nathan's also feeling so calm because Yuzu has made it so easy, given Nathan everything he needs to succeed right now. Right now, he's an open book. As Yuzu's blush deepens further, filling his cheeks, Nathan reaches across the space between them, gently shoving at his knee.

"Oh!" It's like Yuzu's been startled out of a trance, almost. He nods. "Yeah. Yes, yes. We will."

Nathan's smile softens further, curling at the corners. They've never done this before,  _ planned _ to meet up.

He likes it.

They'd never kissed before, either, before last night.

He likes that, too.

"Cool," Nathan says, and the way Yuzu's gaze changes, the warmth and amusement and relief all wrapped into one, isn't something Nathan knows how to describe. "Cool." Nathan puts weight into that single syllable, importance and anticipation and excitement. Even a little hope. He’d hesitate, normally, hold himself back from setting himself up for a disappointment. But this is Yuzu, and Yuzu doesn’t disappoint.

Yuzu rolls his lip between his teeth, watching Nathan’s eyes spark, and his smile says he's looking forward to it too.

"Cool."

☄

**Author's Note:**

> *  
> *  
>  _yuzu: just the benefits. you're still my rival._
> 
> _nate: ......._
> 
> _(nathan is not a nerd, and has not watched enough anime to identify the Signs of the total and complete Sports Anime Rivalship utter fucking gay panic meltdown that's happening in front of him)_
> 
> _yuzu, realizing he may have just sounded like a COMPLETE asshole: sh-shut up, baka_
> 
> *
> 
> Thank you for reading! Hope you enjoyed that marathon of a ride. Should I have split it into chapters? ^^;;
> 
> I'm gonna be real with you all for a minute.... the only reason you're seeing this fic posted is because I've been continuing to receive extremely kind, supportive, encouraging kudos and comments on my various FS RPF fics, even through this long period where I haven't posted much of anything. It's reminded me that the fandom is still out there, and that I still love these boys, and still want to share their stories with you guys. That I still love writing and want to keep writing.
> 
> So I'm feeling more energized and more determined to share our stories with you, and I'm so grateful to the commenters and kudos-ers for helping energize me to do that.
> 
> _None_ of our FS RPF stories are abandoned. Some of them have been long delayed due to logistical difficulties - like this fic, which has been causing a traffic jam for the entire rest of its continuity - but as yet, none are abandoned. Thank you for sticking with us and for your patience!
> 
> If you liked this, **please subscribe to the series,** as you'll be seeing more of it soon - now that the obstacle of this fic (I love it and am proud of it but ohmygod this fic was difficult to write) is out of the way, I have *so much* more coming, to fill in the boys' story more and more.
> 
> To sum up, thank you so much for every kudos and comment - on this fic, on other fics in its series, on my other unrelated fics (like the vampire au! and the princes, and so on). All of it inspires me. And all of it is helping me feel the energy to update. You'll see updates for my other AUs, too - I won't only show love to this one, promise.
> 
> So, yeah. Thank you. Hearing from you really, really makes a difference.
> 
> Til next time,  
> -capra


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